Starting a business is never easy.
We get an idea and start to pursue it.
But we need feedback to grow it.
Getting the right feedback is the trick.
We spend time explaining our new offering to prospects.
Get them interested and curious.
Then, we kill the ability to get feedback with a seemingly innocent question:
“What do you think?”
When we ask this question, what are we really hoping to hear?
- It’s cool.
- Great idea, you’re on to something.
- I could see how this would be valuable!
If my goal is to try to improve, how helpful is this feedback?
Not very.
Because “What do you think?” isn’t really asking for feedback. It’s fishing for validation.
And the problem is, people give us exactly what we’re asking for.
The Pen and the Feedback
Last week, I wrote about taking back the pen to our story. About how we outsource our worth to others, waiting for them to tell us if we’re good enough.
I promised to follow up on how to seek feedback properly.
The problem is, we often seek feedback in ways that make it useless.
“What do you think?” sounds open. It sounds like we’re inviting honest feedback.
But what we’re really asking is: “Do you approve?”
And approval, while nice, doesn’t help us improve.
If we’re truly writing our own story, we don’t need validation.
We need information.
And while validation or rejection can be information, it’s not helpful if it’s vague.
The Tennis Question
I’ve been taking a lot of tennis lessons lately. Working on my game, getting better.
After playing with my son (who is a very accomplished player), I asked him: “Do you think I’m getting better?”
The only thing I wanted when I asked this was validation.
I wasn’t actually seeking advice on what to work on. I was fishing for confirmation that I was improving.
A better question would have been something specific: “What’s still breaking down in my game?” or “What can I do to make more of my net shots?”
Questions that would get me actionable feedback I could actually use to improve.
But instead, I asked a question designed to get a pat on the head, not growth.
Why We Do This
There’s a psychological phenomenon called negativity bias.
Research shows that negative information has a greater impact on our psychological state than positive information of equal intensity.
It’s an evolutionary survival mechanism. Our brains evolved to prioritize avoiding harmful stimuli over pursuing helpful ones because survival depended on threat detection.
In modern life, this means we feel criticism more acutely than praise.
The fear of negative evaluation is a social instinct, and negative feedback can threaten our self-esteem.
So we protect ourselves. We ask questions designed to avoid hearing what might hurt.
“What do you think?” is a shield, not a genuine request for insight.
The No-First Feedback Rule
There’s a different way to approach this: lead with the no.
I call it the No-First Feedback Rule:
Assume there are reasons someone would say no, and make it easy for them to tell us.
Instead of asking open-ended questions that invite politeness, search for the specific problem.
Instead of: “How did I do in the presentation?”
Ask: “What part was confusing?” “What part dragged or lost your attention?”
Instead of: “What do you think of this idea?”
Ask: “What would make you not buy this?” “What makes this a ‘no’ for you right now?”
Here’s a simple way to use the No-First Feedback Rule:
- Name your goal: “I want to improve this, not protect my ego.”
- Ask for the no: “What would make you not buy / not approve / not use this?”
- Narrow it down: “If I fixed just one thing based on what you’ve said, what should it be?”
Now we’re not asking them to judge us.
We’re asking them to help us find the weakness.
Writing Our Own Story
If we’re truly writing our own story, we need to be honest about what we’re actually asking for.
Are we seeking validation or information?
Validation feels good in the moment. It soothes our evolutionary fear of criticism.
But information is what helps us grow.
The quality of feedback we receive is determined by the quality of questions we ask.
Vague questions get vague answers. Specific questions get useful answers.
So the next time we catch ourselves about to ask “What do you think?” we can pause and ask instead:
What specifically do I need to know to improve this?
That’s the question that moves us forward.
Key Takeaway
We say we want feedback, but our questions often reveal we want validation.
The quality of feedback we receive is determined by the quality of questions we ask.
Ask specific questions to get useful answers.
